Disclaimer: I was in a bad mood when I wrote this so reader discretion advised. Read at your own risk.
Our constant readers may have noticed that the F2H family failed to post their usual live review articles about Smackdown Live’s No Mercy and last night’s Monday Night Raw. Have we lost faith in Vince McMahon’s promotion? Are we bored with the product? I’ll answer your question with a question: does a bear shit in the woods? In this instance, the bear is Sean Waltman and the woods is Rena Lesnar’s luggage; and the answer is an emphatic yes.
While on the surface the No Mercy pay-per-view seemed like a solid venture, when you scrutinize it even a little bit, the entire show folds like a wet house of cards. Here is a short list of some of the more cringe-worthy moments of the show. The pre-show featured Jerry Lawler awkwardly flirting and eye-fucking Nikki Bella, a 4-team tag match (overkill in any scenario) that included The Acesnsion, and Curt Hawkins big debut that was only a declaration by him that he would have a match on Tuesday.
Prior to the show, WWE announced the “main event” triple-threat would go on first to start the show, essentially confirming WWE’s lack of confidence in their own product, being fearful that Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton would pull viewers and bomb their PPV. Although the triple-threat was a decent match, it still featured yet another John Cena title attempt, grasping for the coveted Ric Flair record; and Dean Ambrose in the main event picture, a man with no charism, character evolution, or ability to carry a promotion as either a heel or babyface. And while AJ Styles put on a great outing, I am still watching him on NJPW every week on AXS-TV and his crimped style with WWE is nowhere near his best work in a ring.
No Mercy also featured Nikki Bella utilizing the antiquated 50/50 booking style of WWE in order to beat Carmella. Speaking of the women, Becky Lynch was suddenly injured and not competing. So we saw Naomi not only wrestle but defeat Alexa Bliss. Both finishes were weak and did nothing at all for the losers while barely giving a boost to the winners. The third women’s match of the night was between Jack Swagger and Baron Corbin. Yeah, I said it. Why is this on a pay-per-view? Nobody cares!
The highlight of the night was Dolph Ziggler and The Miz. This was an excellent match and the best on the entire card. Nothing to complain about here. The main event was Randy Orton taking on Bray Wyatt. Oh great, two of the weakest in-between heel/face chimeras in the entire company. Wyatt has strewn together infinitely more losses than wins. And Orton has been a watered down version of himself ever since returning from injury. The build to this match was terribly dis-interesting. And the big “twist” finish was a Luke Harper run in. This ended a pay-per-view in 2016.
Skip ahead to Monday Night Raw and now we’re really swimming out to the deep end with no life preservers. We’re talking about a show that surprisingly opened with Sasha Banks and Charlotte declaring they were having a rematch INSIDE Hell in a Cell. This was a groundbreaking moment…that was immediately cut short by Rusev interrupting. He insults both of them, along with all women’s wrestling (as does Lana) and hijacks what should have been an epic segment. Then Roman Reigns comes out and further buries the angle. Then, in all of Stephanie McMahon and Mick Foley’s jaded wisdom, they put Charlotte on a team with Rusev against the team of Banks and Reigns. Despite Rusev belittling Charlotte, she now gets the “honor” of being his tag team partner.
Do you know why this segment happened? Because Kevin Dunn (a guy that probably has twenty Donald Trump signs in his yard) objectifies women and probably doesn’t think they can carry a moment on their own. They needed big, strong men to come out and bolster their credibility. “Nobody is going to buy women in the Cell! We need men to put it over!” Nevermind the fact that when you have a match with Roman Reigns, Rusev, Charlotte, Lana, and Sasha Banks, the only goddamn babyface in the entire thing is Banks. Reigns is not a face! But WWE continues to try and pair him with any one in order to try and persuade the crowd to oh and ah over him.
Then we have a match between Kofi Kingston and Cesaro. The big angle here is Sheamus sits ringside and tweets during the match. Oh, just brilliant fucking television. Really helps sell Cesaro and Sheamus as a team and absolutely helps make New Day look strong. *vomits in mouth, down onto Ultimate Warrior t-shirt*
Bayley comes out and wrestles Cami Fields. Who? Exactly. She beats a jobber and then gets attacked from behind by Dana Brooke (wearing a way-too-tight outfit) and then Brooke just stands there awkwardly like Will Ferrell in Talladega Nights when he doesn’t know what to do with his hands. Brilliant. There were four horsewomen in NXT. Becky has the Smackdown Women’s Title. Sasha and Charlotte are breaking new ground fighting for the Raw Women’s Title. Meanwhile, Bayley is given about two minutes against someone named Cami Fields. Just a real career booster for her. Good job, Vince!
The newly formed Cruiserweight Division continues to get its legs cut out from underneath it as WWE, despite having three hours of television, just keeps hitting us with Cruiserweight tag-team matches. We get Tony Nese and Drew Gulak against Sin Cara and Lince Dorado. Without fanfare, Sin Cara is now suddenly in the division. Dorado spends the whole match carrying Sin Cara before picking up the win. According to Kevin Dunn and Vince McMahon, there are only two Cruiserweights named T.J. Perkins and Brian Kendrick. Anybody who isn’t them will just be the bathroom break match on Raw.
Then we come back from commercial to find Curtis Axel and Bo Dallas in the ring. Oh boy! That’ll really boost the ratings! Luckily we are saved by Enzo Amore and Big Cass. But before we can even see them wrestle, they are attacked by The Club. So let me get this straight. Cesaro and Sheamus, a team thrown together two weeks ago get to face New Day, but two of the top three tag teams on Raw have a segment with Bo Dallas and Curtis Axel? Then WWE hits us with a bullshit 4-team tag at a PPV the night before? Why not save the multi-team matches for actual talent? I’d definitely watch New Day vs Enzo and Cass vs The Club any day.
Oh, but that segment isn’t even over. After The Club and Enzo and Cass leave, Axel and Dallas are still competing! They demand a team! So we have to suffer through not only them in a match, but a hastily thrown together Sami Zayn and Neville tag-team. Is Teddy Long running creative all of a sudden? We’ve had five matches so far and four of them have featured tag teams! Brilliant! I’m just as baffled as Vince as to why the ratings continue to tank. Fuck you, McMahon.
As if things couldn’t get any worse, we then are “treated” to a match between R-Truth and Titus O’Neal thrown together, on the premise, and I shit you not, of Truth trying to give O’Neal’s favorite candy bar to another wrestler. Now, while I can appreciate both men as they have skill and could be great if pushed properly (yeah right, as if that would ever happen), they certainly should not be in a match facing each other. Why, you might ask? Because they have a combined age of fucking 83. R-Truth is in his mid-forties and Titus is 39. This is not a live-TV match. This is not something you expose people to and then try to laugh off the sliding ratings to the board of directors. In simple terms, this is not a match you put on TV if you want people to take what you do seriously.
Backstage segment with Perkins and Kendrick showcasing the 50/50 booking again. I won’t even elaborate on any of that. Braun Strowman then squashes the “Splash Brothers” (who look like a Sheamus and Xavier Woods cosplay couple) and then asks Foley for stronger competition. If only Braun could be what he’s asking for: better talent. He has become a spectacle much like Big Show, Kane, and The Great Kahli before him. Vince will take a giant, twist and contort them, and turn them into a traveling freakshow.
And then the inter-gender match. Holy shit what a waste of time. Rusev and Charlotte against Reigns and Banks. The big creative ending here was Sasha making Charlotte tap to the Bank Statement timed perfectly with Reigns hitting Rusev with a spear. Been there, done that, played all the way out. Then Reigns and Banks stand with their arms in the air, smiling. As if Reigns was suddenly a good guy. Then T.J. Perkins defeated Jinder Mahal. Oh wait, that was Ariya Daivari. Another useless squash match doing nothing for anybody, including the viewers.
The main event was Seth Rollins versus Chris Jericho. Alright, I really can’t complain about this if I’m being fair and unbiased. It was a great match, highlight of the night for me. My only real gripe is that Jericho has main-evented a shit ton of Raw’s this year and did so again last night. Yes, Jericho is awesome. And his work these past few weeks with Kevin Owens has really been the crutch that has saved Raw from swirling into a black hole from wince there is no return. That being said, Jericho is older than both R-Truth and Titus O’Neal. Is the best WWE can do is to have a 45-year-old in the main event? Does that sound bonkers to anyone else? It says a lot about how incredibly talented and what great shape Y2J is in; but it also speaks volumes about how weak WWE thinks their own product is.
They don’t trust their youngers guys to do the job. They don’t have faith or confidence in their roster. And this is true across the board. Both Raw and Smackdown suffer from this inability to pull the trigger on younger talent. The result is getting a 39-year-old John Cena in a main event trying to get another world title. When is WWE going to move on? They speak of a new era and yet continue hitting us with out-to-pasture talent. Now the big hyped up sell is a potential match between Brock Lesnar and Bill Goldberg, a match about fifteen years too late between two men with a combined age of 88. Granted, both men are genetic anomalies (Lesnar more so on the chemically enhanced side) and will probably look great. But the point being is that WWE continues to live in the past. And the WWE Universe seems nostalgic to days gone by.
That’s why Sasha Banks gets a pop for mentioning Eddie Guerrero. That’s why Charlotte gets a “Woooooooooo!” every single time she mentions her dad. WWE doesn’t do anything to make their current talent relevant. They are censored and limited and forced to get over by mentioning long since retired or dead Superstars. It’s a vicious cycle all the way around. Fear, uncertainty, doubt; it all mixes together to make WWE unsure of their talent, the talent unsure of their place, and the fans unsure of why they should even give two shits about any of it. There are so many problems to list but I’m just one man and this article is already absurdly long. I have a love/hate relationship with WWE. It’s a frustrating partnership because I see the potential of what this company could be. As a kid I watched wrestling. Then I grew up. But wrestling never did. It plateaued and in some instances took a step back.
You can blame the break of kayfabe. You can blame the dirt sheets. You can blame the internet. You can even blame Vince for bringing too many promotions together and “killing the biz.” It doesn’t matter what the cause was. The effect is what truly matters, and in this case the effect is mediocre, unfulfilling, lazy, and often boring professional wrestling. CM Punk said it best: “Vince McMahon is a millionaire who should be a billionaire.” The reason why he isn’t is that the wrestling experience he presents is no longer thrilling to a certain extent. We demand more but WWE keeps coming up short. Smackdown Live is on tonight and we won’t be doing a live review for that either. If they want us to write something, they need to give us something worthwhile to write about. Until then, let the onslaught begin.
Article by Jamie Curtis Baker
Just 24 hours removed from the Battleground pay-per-view, Monday Night Raw kicks off featuring a new logo (above), a new commentary area, a new commentator, Corey Graves, and a new video intro with new song. So far, this is promising. They are at least trying to give the appearance of a “New Era.”
The show kicks off with Mick Foley and Stephanie McMahon in the ring. Foley brings out the entire Raw roster. They stand at the top of the ramp. Stephanie insults Roman Reigns for costing the Raw brand the World Heavyweight Championship. Foley says the show will feature two Fatal-4-Way matches. The winners face each other in singles competition for the main event. The winner of that match, faces Seth Rollins at SummerSlam for the brand new championship title, the WWE Universal Championship. Oh brother. Didn’t think they would introduce a new title so soon. And didn’t expect it to sound this terrible. Mick lines up all the competitors for both matches. Stephanie asks Charlotte to step forward. Foley says Charlotte last her match last night and she has to defend her title tonight against none other than against Sasha Banks. The roster returns to the back and we have our first commercial break.
First Fatal-4-Way on after the break. Cesaro, Rusev, Kevin Owens, and Finn Balor! Holy shit we are about to see a great match. It’s a little crappy that Balor’s first match has to be with three other guys. All hell breaks loose as soon as the bell rings. Rusev and Owens take turns suplexing Balor. Then they double suplex Cesaro off the apron and into the ring. Cesaro uppercuts all three men in the corners. Belor hits a 1916 on Cesaro, cover, but kick out at two. Owens hits a popup powerbomb on Balor, cover, but Cesaro breaks it up. Cesaro sets up to swing Owens, but Rusev kicks them both. He stomps Owens in the back and locks in the Accolade. Cesaro grabs Rusev and suplexes him. Owens rolls out of the ring. Cesaro cover, but Rusev kicks out at two. He attempts a Sharpshooter on Rusev, but it’s reversed into an Accolade. Cesaro rolls back into a cover, two count and they break apart. Swing on Rusev by Cesaro, locks in the Sharpshooter. Before Rusev can tap, Owens kicks Cesaro in the face. Slingblade by Balor on Owens, then he hits the foot stomp finisher that I can’t spell on Rusev, covers him and moves on to the main event.
Long string of commercials. When we finally come back, Nia Jax has her debut. She takes on some jobber named Brit Baker. Match is over in about two minutes. So much for a debut. That was a waste of time. Another break. After, the second Fatal-4-Way is up. Chris Jericho, Sheamus, Sami Zayn, and Roman Reigns. Slow start to this one. Too much Jericho for my taste. Every time Reigns makes a move the crowd eats him alive. Nothing but boos for him. Sami Zayn really shines throughout, clearly the fan favorite. Reigns runs the table for a few minutes. Sami hits him with a Blue Thunderbomb. Near fall. Y2J locks in the Walls of Jericho on Sami. Sheamus kicks him off, covers Jericho but only gets a two count as Sami breaks it up. Reigns pulls off about ten thousand Superman Punches on every opponent then Spears Jericho for the cover. Get out of my face with this pile of crap match. Why does WWE keep pushing a guy that nobody wants?
The New Day comes out. Booty-O’s cereal is now a real thing and you can pre-order it from FYE. New Day brings someone out of the crowd to be an honorary member of their group. The Club attacks out of no where and hit the Magic Killer on Big E. Later, Neville returns from injury to take on Curtis Axel. Red Arrow for the pinfall. Commentary does a fantastic job of absolutely burying Curtis Axel for no reason. Dick move. Neville looks hesitant, but he’ll get back into the swing of things once he shakes the ring rust.
Sasha Banks vs Charlotte for the women’s championship after the break. This match is solid, if not a little too slow. Dana Brooke gets involved, as per usual. Outside the ring, Charlotte throws Sasha into the barricade. Dana goes to hit Sasha with the title belt, but the ref sees and ejects her to the back. This one gets a lot of time, as it should. A year ago, WWE would have given this four minutes with a crap finish. Big moonsault off the top rope outside the ring by Charlotte. She hits Natural Selection in the ring, but Sasha manages to reach the bottom rope. Hanging Figure Four off the apron and Sasha’s left leg is hurt. Charlotte tries again and Sasha reverses it into a Bank Statement submission. Charlotte gets her foot on the rope to break it up. Back Stabber into a Bank Statement, Charlotte taps. Your winner…and NEW…WWE Women’s Champion! After the match, crowd starts a “You Deserve It!” chant as Sasha cries. Byron Saxton interviews her and she says this is the era of women’s wrestling. Excellent finishing moments for the match, right lady won, great segment.
Braun Strowman comes down. There’s a smushed face jobber in the ring. Strowman has a weird entrance song and an even weirder hair cut. Total squash match. Strowman wins, easily. Not much substance to this segment. Enzo and Big Cass come out. They are just getting started when they are interrupted by The Shining Stars. R-Truth wanders into the ring, distracts Shining Stars and Cass rolls them p for the pinfall. Weird segment. The last twenty or so minutes hasn’t been very good.
Main event time with Roman Reigns taking on Finn Balor. Match starts with Reigns throwing him around the ring. Balor dropkicks Reigns outside the ring into the barricade and we go to our first commercial break. Decent action throughout, but they are selling Reigns as a little too much of a monster. Balor is a seasoned vet and shouldn’t be walked over like this. He does have several big time moves and he of course carries his own. The real crime here would be having Reigns win this match. Superman Punch on Balor late in the match and he barely kicks out. Dropkick and Balor climbs the top rope to stomp on Reigns. Cover and a three count! Wow! WWE did something right! Finn Balor vs Seth Rollins at SummerSlam. “I smell money!” – Vince
I can’t rate this Raw too high. It had some really good spots, but also a couple of head-scratching segments. But overall, it was watchable. I didn’t get bored, but WWE definitely needs to build on this and make their product soar between now and SummerSlam. I can give this a solid B+ though. Two huge thumbs up for the Sasha and Balor wins. What did you all think? Let us know in the comments below. See you all tomorrow for Smackdown Live.
Article by Jamie Curtis Baker
Last night was the official kick off party for the first live Smackdown episode, during which the entire WWE landscape was upended and changed forever. Who went where? We discuss below each draft pick and how they fit in the picture going forward.
Seth Rollins got the #1 Draft pick slot, headed over to Monday Night Raw. This one seems obvious. He is quite definitely the future and deserves to be the main guy at Raw. A+ pick.
Dean Ambrose went second, headed to Smackdown. Another obvious choice. They can’t have both Ambrose and Rollins on the same show. Not such a great idea to send the World Heavyweight Championship over to Smackdown, and for that reason we have to give this pick a B+.
Charlotte was the first female wrestler selected and she goes to Monday Night Raw. Her reign as champion has gone on a little too long and she needs to drop the title soon. Because of that, I for one do not care where she goes. I’m giving this pick a C. Not because it’s terrible but because C is right in the middle and neutral is how I feel about Charlotte.
AJ Styles to Smackdown, in a move that could really help propel the “B+ show” into prominence. Styles is a superstar and wherever he goes, viewers will tune in to see him. Although, on the flip side he is almost too good for Smackdown. This pick deserves an A-.
Finn Balor to Raw. This one worries me because we all know how great Balor is. And we all know how shitty Vince is with character gimmicks. I almost wish Balor had gone to Smackdown to put a little bit of a buffer between him and Vince’s main creative team. But Balor deserves Raw. He deserves a top spot. B+ for the overall decision to draft him to Raw and a C- for drafting him a week before a crap pay-per-view on a Tuesday night. Before you get up in arms and send me hate mail, these are just my opinions and the grades are in no way a reflection of the athletes themselves.
Roman Reigns to Raw. I hate this pick. I understand it, but I hate it. Roman Reigns should not be a top tier guy. He should never have been. But it is what it is. I wish he would get back to NXT for development because his ringwork is stale and his mic work is awful. As it is, he’s going to Raw and I give that my lowest grade so far of a D+.
John Cena to Smackdown. The only grade I can give this is an A+ because it means that the flagship show will not feature Cena. Although, one could make the argument to downgrade to an A- because Cena went to the show that has the world title, which is stressful for people that hate Cena any where near the WHC.
Brock Lesnar to Raw. I’m not sure if I want to give this an A+ or a B+. On one hand, Lesnar deserves to be on Raw. He is a heavyweight powerhouse. But on the other, Smackdown could really use him to infuse some badassery into it. Yes, I just used the word badassery. Let’s settle with an A for now until we see when and if this part-timer comes back.
Randy Orton to Smackdown. My initial grade for this is a C+. Only because it seems like a setup to shove Lesnar and Orton down our throats for the next month prior SummerSlam. Also, Cena was drafted to Smackdown and we really don’t need anymore matches between these two. However, I am willing to bump the grade up to a B+ because AJ Styles versus Randy Orton is a dream match to me. And I truly believe Orton taking on Baron Corbin could be some sort of beautiful hoss match, charged with ego and dripping with arrogance.
The New Day to Raw. I like this one because they split The Wyatt Family up tonight, which means New Day will probably retain their titles this weekend and that means the tag division will be strong on Raw. Not splitting up New Day was a wise decision. Giving this draft a solid A.
Sami Zayn to Raw. Automatic A+. Zayn is right where he needs to be, and hopefully he will get a push now.
Bray Wyatt to Smackdown. This one is a little bothersome to me. Wyatt has all the tools to be a behemoth superstar. But WWE has creatively dropped the ball on him continuously, as well as making odd booking choices for his match outcomes. If his most recent track record the past year is anything to go off of, sending him to Smackdown cannot be a good sign. D+ for this draft pick. I will admit if I am wrong. Maybe the point of this is to bring him back to life and have him stand alone for a push. I hope that’s the case.
Sasha Banks to Raw. This is a no brainer. Solid gold A. And you can take that to the bank.
Becky Lynch to Smackdown. I’m alright with this selection. It’s apparent that she isn’t getting a title push, and moving to Smackdown gives her a chance to teach the lower card gals and help elevate them in some great matches. She’s likable by the fans and she could help boost the women’s division over in Smackdown. A- for this one, with the one drawback being that she very well could be buried in Smackdown obscurity.
Chris Jericho is picked up by Raw. Now, I am biased on this one because I hate old man Fozzy-bear. Jericho over the past year has had way too many pushes. He has main evented tons of Raw episodes, won a large handful of pay-per-view matches, and even went over at WreslteMania this year. It’s time for these older guys to stop being in the spotlight. I give this draft pick an F. Send Jericho to Smackdown. Better yet, send him home. He should not have been drafted to Raw and certainly shouldn’t have gone this high up in the picks.
Rusev and Lana to Raw. Another no brainer. Rusev looks like a champion. Lana looks like a million bucks. Why wouldn’t you want these two easy-on-the-eyes roster members on your highest rated show? A+
The Miz and Maryse go to Smackdown. Giving this one a C-. I am over The Miz. And I am definitely over The Miz being Intercontinental Championship. And Maryse does nothing, so why was she included in this draft? The only reason this got a C- and not a D- is because he went to Smackdown and not Raw. Keep the title off of Miz, and keep the Miz off of Raw.
Kevin Owens to Raw equals A++. Owens and Zayn are on the same show. That’s money all day. Raw being the prominent show means that Owens gets to be in the spotlight where he belongs. Good stuff, here.
Baron Corbin to Smackdown is a weird thing. But, with the other guys being drafted there, it could spell good things for the Lone Wolf. If a couple of superstars take them under their wing, it could make Corbin a better worker and smoother on the mic. A- for this, in my opinion. The worry here is the big man being jobbed out and lost in the shuffle.
Enzo and Cass to Raw. Again, no brainer. A+. Keep the tag division strong.
Gallows and Anderson to Raw. Initially this looks like a B- at best. However, it was announced that Finn Balor will be coming to raw. I will bump this up to an A- as I salivate at the thought of mainstream Bulletclub action as Balor takes over the duo and forms a new stable.
American Alpha to Smackdown is a D- for me. These guys deserve to be at the top. If they are getting the callup they deserve Monday Night Raw. That’s it, period. Nothing else is even acceptable. I am very angry about this draft pick. It’s all kinds of wrong, and I cringe at American Alpha having to take on The Usos.
Big Show to Raw. Meh. Giving this one my second F of the draft. Big Show is old as time. He is overused in obscure segments, flip-flopping back and forth between heel and face. I’d rather see him taking a smaller role on Smackdown then wasting television time on Raw. I would have swapped him for Baron Corbin in a heartbeat.
Dolph Ziggler to Smackdown; this one is both hot and cold. On the one hand, this could be a new, fresh start for The Showoff. He is really talented and could benefit from a reboot. On the other hand, I get the sense that the potential to bury him is there and that worries me. Ziggler is a hell of a wrestler and I hope he doesn’t get hidden away on Tuesday nights. Giving this one a straight down the middle C.
Nia Jax from NXT up to Raw. Really? Over Bayley? What a strange call-up, not only for Jax probably not being ready for this, but also the fact they sent her to Raw. D- draft. Keep in mind, the grades are solely on the draft decisions and nothing more.
Neville to Raw is a good choice. Once he returns from injury, he can carry any match and will be a big addition to the cruiserweight division. Giving this one an A+.
Natalya was drafted to Smackdown. I don’t immediately hate this, but it does seem like more betrayal on her family name. She has never gotten a real title push and has never even won the women’s or diva’s belts. She is talented and deserves more than what WWE does with her. I’d prefer her to be on Raw, so this gets a B- from me.
Cesaro to Raw. This is a really solid choice and is hopefully a sign of good things to come for the Swiss Superman. Easy A. Shame on WWE for drafting him so far down on the list. He should have been top ten material.
Alberto Del Rio to Smackdown makes me sad. He hasn’t been properly utilized in WWE for a long time. He is one of the most talented guys on the roster. He seemed annoyed on the WWE Network being interviewed after the draft. I am disappointed right along with him. C-
Sheamus to Raw. I think this one would get a D+ either way. There’s really no place for Sheamus right now, and I really just don’t care.
Golden Truth to Raw. See above. D+ for R-Truth and Goldust.
The Usos to Smackdown. This annoys me because a more interesting angle would have been to split these two up. One to each show and we get to see them stand alone. C-
Titus O’Neal to Raw. Now all he needs is some sort of title. B+ for my money. Would have given an A but Vince has no idea what to do with big, black Adonises.
Kane to Smackdown. I was surprised for this decision. Kane is by and far better than Big Show currently. They should have been swapped. However, Kane will make a home for himself anywhere he goes. And it will be fun to see a little tension between him and Daniel Bryan. A- for this one.
Paige to Raw. She needs to be out of the top tier of the women’s division. She should have gone to Smackdown. C grading for this draft pick.
Darren Young to Raw. I don’t think he’s ready, for either a Raw spot or a title shot against The Miz. D- and that’s being generous.
Kalisto to Smackdown. D+ because this one just doesn’t hold enough weight for me to care one way or another.
Sin Cara to Raw. Sin Cara falls into the same camp as his former partner Kalisto. Although, he might see a big career booster once cruiserweight gets going. For now, a reluctant C+.
Naomi to Smackdown. D+ because she’s almost obscure enough to just get released from the company.
Jack Swagger to Raw. I like it. He’s a worker, he’s big, and the fans dig him. A- decision.
The Ascension to Smackdown. I am giving this an F because Ascension should have never come up from NXT in the first place. They aren’t main roster material and they have been nothing but the job-squad ever since they came up.
The Dudley Boyz to Raw. C- for this decision. They should be no higher than Smackdown.
Zack Ryder to Smackdown. What the heck, I’ll get on board with WWE’s decision to suddenly push the guy. Give this draft decision an A-.
Summer Rae to Raw. Do I like this? I don’t know. Haven’t really seen her as of late. It depends in what capacity she joins the Raw Roster. We’ll give this an apprehensive C.
Apollo Crews to Smackdown. This one irritated me. I really wanted to see him get a slight push and be well received by the fans. Seems like Smackdown isn’t the place for that. B- for this, and hopefully Crews can keep the smile on his face.
Mark Henry to Raw was another baffling decision. Henry, Kane, Big Show, and Jericho should have all been sent to Smackdown to be used sparingly. That being said, I like Henry. And if we actually get to see him running some matches, this could be a B pick.
Alexa Bliss to Smackdown was a bit of a shocker. But this is well deserved. She has really earned her place in NXT lately. I think she’s ready, so let’s give her a chance. I’m rolling with this one. Even A.
Braun Strowman to Raw. I am giving this a D grading because Strowman only made it to Raw because Vince McMahon loves giants. Nothing more. His skill level is not Raw quality.
Breezango to Smackdown. I wish they had split the pair up. Tyler Breeze is talented, but them going to Smackdown as a tag team is dismal. Especially if they go against American Alpha. The skill just is not there. C- is my vote here.
Bo Dallas to Raw. Giving yet another F. I dislike this guy and having him on Raw is a waste of all our time.
Eva Marie to Smackdown. What grade is lower than an F? The test score is so low I may just not grade the test and ask the dean to kick her out of school on an expulsion. She is one of the worst female wrestlers I have ever seen and she should stay off any WWE programming.
Shining Stars to Raw. These guys haven’t done anything at all to warrant being taken to Raw. D- for me.
The Vaudevillians to Smackdown. Finally a team that can go against American Alpha. I like the decision. A-
Alicia Fox to Raw. Meaningless roster pick that just took up a spot that could have been better suited for someone with way more talent. D-
Erick Rowan to Smackdown. I’m okay with this. He’s definitely a B+ player and belongs on the B+ show. In fact, that’s the grade we’ll give this decision.
Dana Brooke to Raw. I think her future could be bright, once she breaks away from Charlotte. Good choice and the right place for her. She needs to go solo though. A-
Mojo Rawley to Smackdown. Strange callup, but if he joins Ryder and the Hype Bros become a main roster tag team, this is a really good thing. I have no complaints about this so let’s hit it with a decent A-.
Curtis Axel to Raw. Ugh. Stay off my television. No star power, and what has he done for us lately? A whole lot of nothing. Heath Slater is much better liked by the fans than Curtis Axel. I didn’t like this weird decision. D+
Carmella to Smackdown is head-scratching. She floundered a bit in NXT after Enzo and Cass left. It would make sense to bring her up and pair her back with them. Now she has to move up solo on a bigger stage and it could spell disaster for her. Not a fan of this draft pick. I’m happy for her, but she should be with her boys. C-
A couple of interesting take away’s from this draft:
- The split up of The Club. While many would view this as a negative for Gallows and Anderson, lest we forget that Finn Balor is a big member of the global Bulletclub, what he calls the Balorclub in NXT. With him and The Club being drafted to Raw, that can only mean good things. Styles gets to go be a badass solo competitor and stand on his own. And Balor can start building a new stable.
- No mention of The Undertaker, which isn’t necessarily an oversight. His status is year to year and this whole brand split might fall apart before WrestleMania next year.
- AJ Styles is solo now and is on the brand with the world title. That just made things all sorts of interesting.
- Nobody drafted Heath Slater. He got a funny segment where he was left sitting in the dark, but it is pretty shitty to not include him. He is the best guy in the Social Outcasts group. The fact that Bo Dallas got drafted and he didn’t is garbage.
- We still don’t know who Sasha Banks will have as a tag partner at Battleground, which potentially could mean we may see a few more drafts next week, including but not limited to Bayley from NXT.
- Three names surprisingly left out of the draft were Bobby Roode, Austin Aries, and Eric Young. This would have been a perfect time to transition them up. They are veterans and shouldn’t hang around NXT too long.
Article by Jamie Curtis Baker
My husband and I had to rewatch the Royal Rumble match, as a party with friends and plenty alcohol is not the best environment for paying attention to the TV. One of the highlights of the entire thing for me was a throwaway moment when Curtis Axel, the sixth Rumble entrant, was attacked by Erick Rowan on the entrance ramp and never able to make it to the ring. Since Axel was never eliminated, since he never got to enter the match, he quickly began trending on Twitter. #JusticeForCurtisAxel gained support from Lance Storm, Tommy Dreamer, David Otunga, Zack Ryder, and Xavier Woods, with Otunga even offering legal services. This was followed by the birth of AxelMania, an obvious parody of Hulk Hogan. Curtis Axel has never been so over in his career.
As the self touted “true winner” of the Royal Rumble, Axel has gone on to interrupt various superstars in the ring to talk about his record breaking time spent in the Rumble match. He has new ring gear, new t-shirts, and the fans are finally cheering for him. So what does WWE creative do? They have everyone he interrupts proceed to beat him up. They have Hulk Hogan show up to steal his thunder, then have Snoop Dog/Lion throw him out of the ring. And I use the word “throw” very lightly, as those scrawny arms aren’t throwing much of anything over ten pounds. AxelMania was a gift, given to the WWE purely by chance. The internet exploded, but now Creative is pissing away everything they were gifted in those few Royal Rumble moments.
Quite honestly, no one in their right mind would have guessed that Rowan taking the place of Axel would matter to anyone. They could have used Zack Ryder, Sin Cara, Xavier Woods, or one of the Matadores and achieved the same result of having Rowan sneak into the Rumble without disrupting the intended outcome. Anyone else would have been comedic relief that was quickly forgotten. Axel, who was returning as a singles competitor after a very unfortunate run as half of Rybaxel, wasn’t doing much outside of brief matches on Superstars. No one cared. Hell, barely anyone cared when he was part of a tag team, or even as a Paul Heyman guy. But right now, whether done sincerely or ironically, people care about Curtis Axel.
The WWE needs to take better advantage of this fluke and give Axel a push. Anything they do is better than letting him get beat up any time he comes to the ring. Axel is one of the entrants in the Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal at WrestleMania, and I want to see him properly used in this event. I am not suggesting he win the battle royal, but I am suggesting that he come damn close to doing so. He needs to be in the final four and he needs to eliminate a couple of big names. Right now, Axel is in danger of being forgotten once again due to creative turning him into a running joke. The joke can definitely continue and survive, but he has to do something in the ring other than lose over and over again. He’s obviously not going to win the battle royal, but he can still come out a winner if he lasts almost until the end and gets some good eliminations under his belt.
Creative needs to plan for Axel’s direction after WrestleMania is over. AxelMania obviously has little meaning after Sunday, unless we want to start planning a year in advance. If he’s going to keep riding this wave, he needs to change directions and choose a new focus. It doesn’t matter whether or not it’s realistic, just as long as it makes for good TV and keeps him going. He has said time and again that, as the true Royal Rumble winner, he deserves a title shot. Why not run with that? We all know Lesnar/Rollins/Reigns vs Curtis Axel is not going to happen, but that doesn’t mean Axel has to acknowledge that he knows it. Axel needs to continue to demand great things, things he earned at the Rumble and things he is owed.
When Curtis Axel had his debut, I was not impressed. I was even less impressed when he teamed with Ryback. But now? I get excited when I see the guy, and that’s not something I could have ever seen myself saying. WWE has a chance to revitalize his character, and they need to stop allowing that chance to slip away. The guy has been wrestling professionally for nearly a decade, he’s the son of Mr Perfect, Curt Hennig, and he has every reason to succeed. He vanished from the main roster to lose on NXT and Superstars, which did nothing to help his career. Now that he’s back, WWE needs to put effort into their investment and make Curtis Axel into somebody we could potentially see opening Raw and main eventing Monday nights.
Article by Mrs. Jamie Baker
Cody Rhodes and his quirky brother Goldust made for a great tag team, but after a series of losses, Cody decided his brother deserved a better partner. He dissolved their partnership at Payback after suffering a loss to Ryback and Curtis Axel. Goldust then went through a brief and unsuccessful run partnering with various other members of the roster before Cody returned and announced that he had found his brother the perfect tag partner. Promising that it was not Cody Rhodes and was also not anyone we’ve seen before, I had no idea what to expect. The furthest thing from my mind was to see Cody emerge on Raw alongside his brother in leather and face paint as Stardust.
Stardust has been with us for about two weeks now. In that short time, it’s hard to find even the smallest trace of the Cody we’re all used to. With red and gold contact lenses in his eyes and a black star across his face, Cody has successfully erased all traces of the man he once was. His entire personality has changed. The cocky attitude has turned into childlike wonder; Stardust walks to the ring marveling at his surroundings as if he’s seeing them for the first time. His in-ring arsenal has been altered to perfectly compliment and match Goldust’s style, with the brothers sharing many of the same moves. The only hint of Cody that seems to remain is that trademark grin, only it’s now hidden behind black lipstick.
Forming the tag team of Goldust and Stardust was a necessary move. Cody did wonders as a heel, did great work after turning face, and made the crowd go wild when teamed with his brother. But the WWE fans are restless and soon grew tired of seeing the Rhodes Brothers in the same matches week after week. Since their only rivals at the moment are Ryback and Curtis Axel, and since creative has no desire to mix that up, a new gimmick was the only thing that could both keep this tag team alive and keep audiences fully involved. It’s a pretty genius move. And I hate it.
Having Cody completely disguised behind a cloned version of Goldust’s persona, shiny leather and gold glitter simply isn’t doing it for me. A big part of Cody’s appeal is his personality. I love seeing his expression change from intensely serious to an almost comical happiness as he walks to the ring. He always shines on the mic and never fails to engage the audience. Whether he’s dominating his opponent or getting crushed in the ring, he sells it completely. His run as Intercontinental Champion will forever be one of my favorites; he was the perfect IC champ and I can’t help but refer to that title as Cody’s when it falls in the hands of someone I deem unworthy. It seems that no matter what is thrown his way, he is able to take it and turn it to gold.
This new gimmick has all but erased everything that is Cody Rhodes. His Twitter handle has changed and all he speaks of now is star power or wishing on stars. Unlike many other gimmick changes, we aren’t expected to accept Cody as a brand new character. We know that Cody planned this change in order to help his brother and to form an unbeatable tag team. We even heard Cody hint at star power in the days leading up to the Stardust debut, giving the audience a teaser of things to come. We are meant to be fully aware that Cody decided to don this costume so that he and Goldust could be the #1 tag team in the WWE. If the last few days are any indication, Stardust will be with us for quite some time, and I’m not convinced that it’s worth sacrificing Cody in order to allow Stardust room to grow.
The Summerslam rumors have already begun to circulate, one of which is that August will be the month where Goldust and Stardust rise to the top of the tag division. The brothers are being positioned to undertake a successful run, eventually stealing the titles away from either the Usos or the Wyatt Family while still feuding with Rybaxel and whatever other team forms between now and then. The Money In The Bank tag match is almost inconsequential, as it seems inevitable that the Rhodes brothers will hold the gold in two months time. And while Stardust is holding his gloves up to the camera, flashing a black star across his palms, I’ll be sitting at home, impatiently waiting for the day when we can return to nothing but smoke and mirrors.
Article by Mrs Jamie Baker
When Ryan Reeves made his WWE debut as Ryback, I was incredibly excited. Having missed his early time as a bleached blond and his days as Skip Sheffield, I was able to see Ryback without having any previous opinions or prejudices. His new character broke ground on Smackdown in April 2012 by crushing two jobbers at once with his signature shell-shocked move. His winning streak against jobbers and eventually against bigger names like Tyler Reks brought about a natural comparison to Goldberg; the audience
flooded arenas with Goldberg chants as Ryback worked in the ring. It was clear that it began to bother him, and I even witnessed him tell the audience to “shut the hell up” at a live event. People either rallied behind him or thought he was utterly useless.
Ryback’s limited in-ring skills and poor mic work didn’t do much to help squash the Goldberg chants; he spent more time angrily breathing than he did talking. He was entered into a feud with CM Punk, which was largely a success thanks to Punk’s abilities to carry a match, but it didn’t do much to move Ryback along. He was given title match after title match, but always came up just short of securing the win and getting the gold around his waist. At 2012’s Survivor Series, my husband and I were only a few
rows away from the action, our faces falling as The Shield power bombed Ryback through the announce table, which again kept him from getting his hands on the title. One would think that the Goldberg chants would have stopped, as it was clear that Ryback could be defeated, but they only seemed to get louder.
The trend of Ryback failing in the last hour continued into 2013 when he lost the Royal Rumble as the 30th entrant, eliminating five men only to be eliminated himself by the neon-clad John Cena. He later put on a hell of a show against Cena, giving him a serious beating at Extreme Rules. His forward momentum with Cena was halted one month later at the first ever Payback PPV where he ultimately lost a Three Stages Of Hell match and let another title shot slip away. Ryback then became somewhat of an advocate
against bullying, but did so by bullying anyone and everyone he came across. Declaring that Punk was one of the worst bullying offenders, Ryback aligned himself with Paul Heyman to reignite the Punk feud. It seemed like a great move, but was short lived and he soon parted ways with Heyman.
After being defeated at the 2013 Survivor Series PPV by Mark Henry, Ryback formed a tag team with Heyman guy Curtis Axel. The duo earned a Tag Team Title match, competing at the TLC PPV, but failed to capture the gold. They received another title shot during the Wrestlemania 30 preshow in a fatal fourway match, but failed yet again. Failing is quite the consistent theme when it comes to Rybaxel; even when they win a match, they fail to get the\ pop and attention they should. On the recent May 12th episode of Raw, the tag team came to the ring wearing ridiculous matching red beanies before deciding that Ryback would not be competing that night (although he did enter the action after the match concluded). The match was a bust, which can also be said about the tag team of Rybaxel.
It’s obvious that WWE Creative has no plans of breaking the pair up any time soon, and it’s clear that Curtis Axel can’t hold the audience’s attention for longer than three seconds, so that leaves all the pressure to succeed on Ryback’s shoulders. Contrary to the majority opinion, I think Ryback can run with it if given the chance. In the past two years, he has not only greatly improved in the ring, he has become pretty damn hilarious on the mic. Axel’s “head’s I win, tails you lose” joke on Raw fell flat, but I laughed at Ryback yelling “Big Guy OUT” as he exited the ring. The man who once couldn’t even glance at the camera while reading his lines has recently killed it on ringside commentary, unscripted and mostly uncensored. His erratic Twitter behavior has the fans watching and has spawned the phrase “Eat, Tweet, Delete, Repeat.” In spite of everything, Ryback is doing pretty good for himself.
Ryback is not Goldberg. He is not Axel. He is not the most talented guy in the ring and not the best on the mic. What he is though is a good performer who has greatly evolved as a wrestler since April 2012; he has added quite a few nice moves to his set, something that top-guy Cena sure as hell can’t say. Ryback cracks me up on Twitter (prior to deleting any record of having said anything) and has truly found his comfort zone when it comes to speaking on-camera. A comfortable performer is one who is able to deliver, and that is what Ryback has been trying to do. If a dancing bunny (that you, Ryder?) can get greenlighted for prime time on Raw, surely time can be made for Ryback to embrace his Twitter persona and tear it up a bit on the mic prior to squashing a few members of the roster. The guy is giving us bits and pieces of something awesome. All I ask is to have Axel take a seat for a moment (Then. Now. Forever.) and allow Ryback to give a little bit more.
I’m a shit talker, which should be obvious if you follow me on Twitter (@bakerisms) or have read some of my other articles on here. I like to speculate and amuse myself with pointless conversations about wrestling. What-if’s, remember-when’s, etc. So here is my Top Ten list for professional wrestlers I could probably beat in a fight.
Dolph Ziggler likes to show off. That’s obvious by his moniker “The Showoff”. Brilliant, right? But he also likes to do stand-up comedy. And he also likes to run his mouth in interviews about the company–not that we’re judging him because, let’s face it, everything he says about the WWE is approximately 99.999% true. The things he does outside his profession, however, don’t make him a good canidate for winning a fight. From my experience, people who talk the most shit are the least likely to throw the first punch, if they swing at all. I call these people “hype-men.” They get loud and insult you, but never close the distance between you to any less than four or five feet. They want everyone to see them acting tough without ever actually being that way. Also, for the most part, comedians as a whole don’t generally fight people. They run their mouths as well, that’s what they get paid for. It’s rare to see a comedian beat up a heckler because it just doesn’t happen. They will insult him to no end until the entire crowd turns on that person and they shut the fuck up so others can enjoy the show. I will fight you, Dolph Ziggler. And unless Amy Schumer’s thick legs come swinging out of no where to clobber me, I will most likely win that fight. But you are still, like all jokes aside, my favorite wrestler ever. So let’s not fight and instead be super tight friends. Please?
I put two people at number nine, mainly because I genuinely feel I could fight both men at the same time and still reasonable hope to avoid needing any stitches or time off work. Xavier Woods is a closet-nerd. I know this because he told me so in the most recent WWE Magazine. He probably has collectible toys still in the box from his childhood that are worth thousands, but he will never sell them because he thinks “the time just isn’t right,” but really he is just too attached to let go of them. R-Truth has a real life name that should intimidate me: Ron Killings. Doesn’t that sound like a rapper who has seen the inside of a peniteniary? But I’ve seen R-Truth rap live on television and dare I say that I’d be more inclined to listen to John Cena’s greatest hits than try and comprehend any lyrics that come out of that man’s mouth. R-Truth spent several long, excruciating months and/or years talking to an imaginary little kid in the ring known as Little Jimmy. He even has the merchandise to prove it. Not only did he talk to Little Jimmy, but he wrestled and danced with Little Jimmy. I might be going out on a limb here, but that is crazy in a fun, silly way. I can handle that level of crazy. R-Truth is not Claire Danes in Homeland crazy; he isn’t Nicolas Cage in Face/Off crazy; he’s more like Brad Pitt in 12 Monkeys crazy. So I can say, without hesitation, that I could take Xavier Woods and R-Truth.
Zak Ryder is from Long Island. He is a bonafide New Yorker. In real life he is probably a real asshole with an attitude insomuch as I assume that every person born and raised in New York is. There’s more than a good chance Zak Ryder is a Yankees fan. All that being said, I think I could take Zak Ryder in a clean fight. Nothing against the guy, but if the persona he portrays in his YouTube videos is even a small modicum of the actual real life Zak Ryder, Matt Cardona, then chances are we’d have a good, clean bout that would result in both of us being able to say “You should see the other guy.” If this fight took place in New York, I could be in trouble cause Zak Ryder might have some sort of fanbase there rally to his cause and then it’s just me swinging on a hundred people by myself. But even if we did fight, Sheamus would just go on Twitter and deny it ever happened, so there would be no record of a victory for me.
I’m only like maybe 75% sure I would win this fight, and that’s being mighty generous to myself. I mainly just threw him on the list because the possibility of fighting Heyman would probably be one of the funnest most of my life. As the propetier and engineer of ECW, Paul Heyman is the extreme master. This fight would be brutal. We would be injured. We would get bloody. We would use every removable piece of the environment around us. We would both be hospitalized. Sticthes and casts and possible blood transfusions may be necessary. Brock Lesnar would probably send us both Jimmy John’s platters. In the end, I would just enjoy the fight and aftermath and wouldn’t really care if anyone considered it a win or a loss. Oh, by the way, if you had not yet heard…PAUL HEYMAN’S CLIENT, BROCK LESNAR, CONQUERED THE UNDERTAKER’S UNDEFEATED STREAK AT WRESTLEMANIA! May that joke live for a thousand years and make everyone who hears it laugh with endless glee.
Why is this guy even a wrestler? Thanks a lot, Edge. I hate Christian. My hatred alone, if projected forcefully enough towards Christian, might be enough to kill him. This scrawny, half-ass midcard joke is nothing to me. I would love to fight this guy like a 16th century gentlemen who is defending the honor of my lady. I will fisticuffs this batard any day of the week. I will fight him underwater. I will fight him on a moonbase. I will fight him barefoot. If I fought him like Gladiator style and he stabbed me prior to the fight I would still win. It doesn’t matter. Bring that shit on, Christian, because I will murder your life. You will be in the hospital with a full body cast on. And then I will bust in with a box of flies and let them fly all over the room, making you itch everywhere but you have no way of scratching it. I would destroy you in a fight. I don’t think anybody reading this doubts that, especially not anyway who really knows me. See you in a dark alley, Christian!
Fellow contributor, Ross Huggins, suggested I use El Torito on my list, but fuck that. I am not about to do battle with a midget lucha libre. No thanks, I don’t want that kind of frustration. The more tired I would get in that fight, the lower my chances would be of coming out victorious. I will, however, wipe the floor with Hornswoggle. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t want to, at all. Even with 3MB, the little guy is extremely likable. He’s like a My Buddy Doll (My buddy…my buddy….wherever I goooooo, he gooooooes! You’re welcome for that being stuck in your head all day now.) come to life. I would like nothing more than to dress him up as a cowboy and have him ride my 90lb dog, Ripley, around the neighborhood. But if this little dude came out at me and seriously started some shit, my size fourteen boot would have to stomp a mud hole in his ass. Nothing personal, but I would end this fight in less than thirty seconds. I’m 6’8″, 250lbs; I have toenails bigger than Hornswoggle. No contest.
I was going to just copy and paste the fifteen sentences I put about Christian, but felt the readers deserved better. Heath Slater is a nuisance in the WWE. He is perhaps my least favorite low-card “talent” on the WWE roster. He is a shitty wrestler. He is a shitty musician. He is a shitty group leader. Hell, he’s a shitty ginger. And I can speak on this cause one of my best friends is a ginger. Heath Slater sucks. 3MB sucks. But at least Drew McIntyre and Jinder Mahal, if gimmicked differently, could bump themselves up the card. Heath Slater is a joke and if I fought him I’d punch his head in while laughing. He does not frighten me in the least bit and I have no doubts whatsoever that I could make him cry if I wanted to. This wouldn’t even be a fight. I would punch him hard enough to make him fall on the ground bawling his eyes out. Then I’d take a picture and make yet another internet meme about how stupid he is. Fuck you, Heath Slater. Get off my television.
Although not technically a wrestler (he is the only man who is still undefeated at Wrestlemania…sorry Taker), I would fight Michael Cole. I have always disliked him, so far back as when The Rock was calling him a hermaphrodite backstage during The Attitude Era. Michael Cole does commentary for every match in the WWE and it is awful. When he speaks all I hear is a heckler in a night club who is ruining a really great comedy show for everybody else. A guy who thinks he is so clever, but nobody wants to be friends with him. We used to have a similar guy that we associated with named Adam who was exactly like this. Nobody likes Adam. And nobody likes Michael Cole. Why do you think he gets so excited when one night a year he gets a Michael Cole chant from the crowd? All that being said, Michael Cole would get his teeth punched out. I am not even going to defend this argument. I would win. Period. Next!
The Great Khali will probably be the only “fair fight” on this list. Not that we would be evenly matched while throwing punches, but just purely by size. I’m a big dude, he is a big dude. We both have large, annoying feet, and thick slabs of hammy fists. But I know one secret that would spell Kahli’s doom: the man can not, under any circumstance, for any reason, take off running. Have you seen him try to sprint out to the ring? It looks like a pirate that has one wooden peg leg trying to hobble the plank. Even if Khali landed a punch, I could back up and regroup. If there was a whole army of Khali’s, it could spell trouble; like that scene in the first season of The Walking Dead when Rick gets trapped in the tank. However, one on one, Khali would go down easily. I could just kick his knees and watch him fall like a dead tree in a hurricane. The most frustrating thing about this fight would be hearing Khali cry out for help with that horribly demonic, broken english mawl he has. I’d probably walk away if I heard that without even finishing the fight.
I should have put John Cena here. I wanted to, but really my Cena bashing on the site is getting a bit redundant. So he got left off the list. Plus Ross was swearing up and down it would be bad for my health so instead of agruing I just made it a moot point by not including him. (But in all my dreams, Cena, I crush your skull with a rock that looks like Hulk Hogan’s head.) Number one on my list is The Miz, which at this point in his career–at least to me–is just a poor man’s John Cena. The Miz’s first claim to fame was starring on the reality show The Real World. Never, ever, EVER have I seen anybody on The Real World and thought they could take me in a fight. All the guys on there are a-typically insecure, drunken little boys who either had no father or abusive ones. People with daddy issues do not scare me. Drunken frat boys do not scare me. Bring it on, Miz. And don’t you dare think of calling your father figure, Ric Flair afterwards to cry about how badly I stomped you. Take your beating like a man. Besides, Flair hates all his children, especially the ones that botch the Figure-Four Leg Lock. Matter of fact, let’s schedule this fight to be on Smackdown during Miz-TV, then I can beat your ass on two horrible television programs at once. You were once WWE Champion! Oh, how far the mighty have fallen. Have fun being Rowdy Roddy Piper 2.0 in twenty years.
As always, we have to do some honorable mentions. The first is Fandango. This little dancing confetti cake would get pummelled by me. I would flatten him like a cartoon character being hit with an Acme steamroller. And then I would dance all over his paper-thin carcass. Curtis Axel almost made this list. But that guy is such a disappointment that I didn’t bother including him. Which basically implies I think higher of Heath Slater and Hornswoggle than I do Curtis Axel. This wanna-be “Perfect” wrestler would get perfectly hammered by me. And then I’d spit in his face and tell him how much of hack he is. Then I’d get out a Ouija board and conjure up the spirit of Curt Henning just so he could explain to his son what a man is. But Curtis Axel wouldn’t understand which would just infuriate me, so I’d end up fighting him again and finishing him off with a Perfect-Plex. I haven’t seen Adam Rose perform yet, but I would beat his British ass worse than George Washington crushing Charles Cornwallis. This is America, damnit, and we do not need you and your Easter Bunnies coming down to the ring talking about lemons and roses. I will declare here and now that Adam Rose is a British Fandango and hopefully they are both disinegrated into obscurity forever. After the fight I would make Adam Rose declare me a free country and then I’d shoot him in the face with a t-shirt gun that had a shirt inside with an iron-on photo of the Declaration of Independence. Lastly, I would do terrible, awful, downright mean things to Bo Dallas. This is Bray Wyatt’s brother? He must have been dropped on his head as a baby because I can’t for the life of me understand how they are cut from the same genetic makeup. I’ve never seenBo Dallas perform either, but based on his BOlieve promors alone, I would love to open a can of whoop ass all over this fool. Well, that about sums it up. Come see me on the street if you want some, Superstars. Except for you, Ziggler, cause seriously can we just be best friends forever?